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Navigating the Swampy Waters of Post-Breakup Dating: A Journey From “Ouch” to “Omm“

For T., charting the colorful realms of lesbian dating, while I tread the path of finding my blue-collar dream—our journeys different, yet our hearts wander the same forest of love.

Rewind to a decade ago, when "swiping" was just something you did to crumbs off your table and "ghosting" was strictly a Halloween affair. If you've just stepped out of a relationship that's as old as the first iPhone, welcome to the brave new world of dating. Back then, your idea of a hot date might have involved Blockbuster and chill, where the biggest commitment was deciding between popcorn flavors, not life partners.

Fast forward, and you find yourself single in an era where meeting your soulmate could be just a swipe away, or so they say. Suddenly, the partner who felt more like a roommate (you know, the kind that leaves socks everywhere but in the laundry basket) is out of the picture, and you're standing at the edge of singlehood with a parachute strapped on, ready to jump into the unknown. The last time you were "in the game," flirting required actual face-to-face conversation, and "Netflix and chill" hadn't even entered the lexicon. This newfound freedom feels like waking up from a decade-long nap. The dating scene is as unrecognizable as your face post-facial peel—red, slightly uncomfortable, but ultimately hopeful for a fresh start. It's like stepping into a time machine and realizing you're not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy. So, as you dust off your dating skills and venture into the brave new world of love, remember: this is your chance to redefine what happiness means to you, one swipe, one date, and one hilarious misadventure at a time. Welcome to your second act—it's going to be a wild ride!

So, there you were, either holding the breakup baton high and mighty because you decided to sprint out of your last relationship, or you found yourself unexpectedly at the finish line of love, wondering how you got handed the “single” badge. Regardless of your starting position, you embarked on the universal tour of the stages of grief. Picture it: one moment, you’re in the denial phase, swiping through your ex’s social media like it’s a secret mission. The next, you’re bargaining with the universe (or your ex’s voicemail) promising you’ll never binge-watch a series without them again if only they’d reconsider.

And let’s not forget the anger phase, where you’ve mentally composed enough scathing texts to fill a novella, or the depression stage, where your diet is 95% ice cream and your playlist is a loop of Adele’s greatest hits. But, like a phoenix rising from the ashes of its burnt-to-crisp dating life, you eventually hit acceptance. This isn’t just any ol’ acceptance—it’s the glitter-covered, dance-in-your-underwear kind that says, “I’m ready to get back out there and do it all over again.”

So here we stand, at the threshold of your “fresh start,” a land where everyone ends up after the emotional Olympics of a breakup, regardless of who lit the torch. Ready, set, let the games begin—again!

Imagine stepping into what you firmly believe is your glittering new era, fresh off the “I’ve totally got this” train. You’re not just back on the market; you’re hitting it with the confidence of a catwalk model armed with self-improvement buzzwords and a dating strategy that’s more thought-out than a NASA launch. “This is my fresh start,” you proclaim, ready to conquer the world with your newfound insights and a list of partner criteria that’s more detailed than a gourmet recipe.

You see, in this dazzling dawn of dating you’ve just ushered yourself into, it’s not about picking up the pieces from a past love story. Oh no, this is about writing a whole new blockbuster, one where you’re the hero, the love interest, and the wise sage all rolled into one. You’re convinced that, this time around, you’ve got all the answers—you’ve attended the seminars, read the self-help books, and even meditated under the supermoon. Maybe you found guru or a shaman 😉🗣️

So, as you sashay into this “brand new” chapter, remember: you’re not just someone who’s single and ready to mingle. You’re a visionary about to embark on the greatest love story ever told—yours. Just be prepared for the plot twists, because, as in any good story, it’s the unexpected turns that make for the most memorable tales. Welcome to your fresh start, where the only thing you need to break up with is the idea that you’ve got it all figured out.

After three years of observing the post-breakup journey from a high-level perspective, it's clear that the same pivotal chapters unfold in all our stories; we must walk this path to truly grasp its lessons, but here's a sneak peek for those yet to embark on the adventure.

Phase 1: The “Ouch” Phase

So, you’ve just stumbled out of a long term relationship that was going nowhere faster than a lead balloon in a hurricane. Whether you slammed the door on that chapter or got blindsided by a “we need to talk” text, welcome to the world of singledom—where the first order of business is figuring out whether you want to scream into a pillow or start plotting your rom-com-worthy comeback.

Phase 2: The “Oh, Hello” Phase

Here’s where things get spicy! You download a dating app, and bam! You’re hit with more likes than a puppy video on the internet. It’s an ego boost on steroids—suddenly, you’re the Beyoncé of Tinder. This phase is all about exploring the vast, sometimes murky waters of online dating. Sexting? Snapchat? It’s like learning to speak a new language, except every other word is an eggplant emoji. My advice? Treat it like skinny dipping in shark-infested waters—exciting but best approached with caution.

Phase 3: The “Oh… Okay?” Phase

You’re still swiping, but the initial thrill is starting to wear off. You begin to notice that the endless sea of potential baes is more like a puddle of eh. Conversations that once had you checking your phone every five seconds now elicit eye rolls. You start ghosting people before they can ghost you, turning into the very apparition you once feared. It’s a phase of diminishing returns, where you realize that maybe, just maybe, the hottie from Hinge won’t be the Patrick to your SpongeBob.

Phase 4: The “Been There, Swiped That” Phase

So, you’ve officially hit peak dating app fatigue, echoing the collective sigh of countless romantics worldwide. It’s not just about prioritizing self anymore; it’s about a full-blown realization that maybe, just maybe, the love of your life isn’t hiding behind a swipe. This is the part where you delete your apps, not in a fit of frustration, but with the calm resolve of someone who knows their worth doesn’t hinge on digital affirmations. It’s a declaration of independence from the algorithmic matchmaking gods, choosing instead to invest in the flesh-and-blood connections that make up the fabric of your life.

Phase 5: The “Beautiful Life Without the Dust” Phase

Imagine this: you’ve crafted a life so rich and mesmerizing, it feels like a movie montage set to a killer soundtrack. This is Phase 5—the “Beautiful Life Without the Dust” phase. You’re out there, soaking up the sun, laughing louder, and dancing in the kitchen on a Tuesday night just because you can. Your life is a canvas of experiences, painted with broad strokes of joy, curiosity, and spontaneity.

Then, amid this technicolor dream, you find them. Not through a screen’s glow, but in the wild, unpredictable tapestry of real life. Amongst the laughter, shared stories, and moments of serendipity, there they are: a person who’s not just another face in a digital lineup of emotionally unavailable hopefuls. No, this is someone genuine, who’s also been out there living their best life, not settling for the digital dregs but waiting for a connection as authentic and vibrant as your newly painted world.

This is the person you meet not by swiping right but by living right—amidst a life so beautiful and full, it naturally invites in those who are truly worth your time. It’s in this phase that you realize the best connections are made not through calculated algorithms but through the chaotic, beautiful mess of living.

So, as you embark on this phase, remember: the world is brimming with beautiful souls, waiting to collide with yours. Put down the phone, step outside, and live the kind of life that draws them in. After all, your best match won’t be found scrolling through an endless feed of profiles, but in the laughter of friends, the beauty of nature, and the shared smiles with strangers. It’s in living a life that’s authentically yours, one that fulfills you so completely, that when someone truly special does come along, they’re entering a world that’s already whole—a world where they are not a necessity but a beautiful addition to an already incredible life.

Embrace this phase with all your heart. It’s not about giving up on love; it’s about giving all to love, starting with yourself. And in this grand adventure, you might just find that love finds you, in its most genuine, dust-free form.

There you go, embarking on a journey from the “Ouch” to the “Om,” where the true discovery is not just in finding love but in becoming a beacon of love. This is your story, your movie. Make it epic.

And why, you might wonder, am I spilling the tea with such confidence? Ah, let me let you in on a little secret: I'm a bit of an internet sensation myself. You see, on the grand stage of TikTok, I wield Tarot cards like a wizard with a wand, earning me the moniker of a famous Internet psychic. It's a title that's both ridiculously ego-driven and hilariously accurate—because, why not embrace the absurdity?After navigating the tempest of my own divorce and spending years as the spiritual concierge for the lovelorn and love-tossed souls out there, I've gained a bird's-eye view of the heart's labyrinth. Yes, you've been serenaded with tales of your unique snowflakery since you could toddle, but let's face it: at the core, our human experiences weave together into a tapestry more consistent than your favorite sitcom's plotline.

Now, while modern therapists offer their own flavor of healing, us Shamans have been in the business of mending hearts and guiding spirits for some 40,000 years. Seeking comprehensive support that's older than the pyramids (and no, I'm not offering the kind of "happy endings" you're snickering about—get your mind out of the gutter!), then you've come to the right place.

So, you're standing at the crossroads, heart in hand, pondering whether to take the leap or just needing someone to tell you that you're doing just fine amidst the chaos—remember, I'm here. Offering packages and programs designed to support, guide, and maybe even share a laugh or two about this wild journey called life. After all, walking hand in hand (spiritually, of course) with someone who gets it is what I do best.

And yes, you're an unparalleled masterpiece of the universe, but hey, aren't we all?





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